Alcoholism
What's it Like to Live With a Parent Who Has a Substance Use Problem?
It can be difficult for young children to understand why their parents become alcoholics. The effects of alcohol can be frightening, and it is difficult to comprehend why anyone would want to behave that way. There are different theories about why people become addicted to alcohol. Some experts believe that alcoholism is a disease of the brain. There is also likely a genetic reason why some people become addicted while others do not. Other theories view alcoholism as a maladaptive coping mechanism to deal with life's problems.
While there can be disagreement about the exact causes of alcoholism, there is no doubt about strength of this type of addiction. The alcoholic is mentally obsessed with alcohol and will find it difficult to function without it. If they have been abusing this substance for a long time, they will suffer withdrawal symptoms when they try to stop. This physical addiction and mental obsession is a powerful combination, and this is why alcoholics can remain trapped inside their hell. Alcoholics use denial as a coping strategy, as this means they don't have to face the destructiveness of their behavior.
Living with a parent who has a substance use problem is hard. It can affect how you feel and act. It can affect your family life too. What it's like is different for each person. Here are some common examples. See if some of them describe what's it's like for you.
It damages you deeply, but it might also give you a very clear image of what you do not want to be and a drive to become the best person you can be.
Some people feel:
- embarrassed, angry, or sad about a parent's substance use
- worried about their parent's health or safety
- worried for themselves, siblings, or their other parent
- scared, alone, or unsafe at home
- frustrated when their parent doesn't change
- relieved when a parent takes steps to recover
- it's hard to trust or relax
- they have to be an adult before they're ready
- overwhelmed
- depressed or anxious
Some people:
- try hard not to upset a parent who drinks too much
- try to stay out of a parent's way
- may not speak up, or ask for what they need
- keep their feelings to themselves
- keep their parent's problem a secret
- hide what their life is like at home
- avoid having friends over because they never know how their parent will act
- miss school, or have trouble keeping up with schoolwork
- take on adult tasks
- argue or fight with a parent
- harm themselves
- act like they don't care, even if they are hurting
In some families with substance problems:
- a parent has trouble keeping a job or paying the bills
- there may not be enough food or money
- older siblings may have to take care of younger ones
- parents mistreat, abuse, or neglect their children
- a parent may drive drunk or high. They may get into trouble, get hurt, or hurt others.
- kids might have to live somewhere else to be protected or cared for
- parents split up or divorce
- relatives or friends step in to help
- parents get help and recover
Real People
1.
"My life as a child of an alcoholic parent was frightening and lonely. My dad was a chronic alcoholic. I had a different childhood to all my friends: no birthday parties, couldn't invite friends over to the house, and Christmas was a nightmare.
There was no one I could talk to and no one could help me, I just had to put up with it.
When I was 17 I had no choice but to leave home. I had to live my own life. My mother was heartbroken but she knew I had to go.
When I was 18, I was able to get counseling which was a great help to me. I was able to understand that alcoholism was an illness. A few months after leaving home my dad turned his life around and stopped drinking.
I will never get my childhood back but I now have a great relationship with my father and my mother now has the life she deserves. I hope this story can give other children some hope and let them know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel."
2.
"My alcoholic parent was my mother. She always drank. She started when she was young. When she was a child her father abused her and her brothers. They were battered by their father constantly. They locked their doors every night to keep their father out. She was beaten badly and was always expected to act like a lady. She started drinking to forget the pain she had to go through. This doesn't make what she did to her children any bit forgivable.
When I was a child my uncle and aunts tried to take me away from my home by taking me on day trips with my sister. Back then I thought my mother would heal. My sister and I used to beg my uncle and aunts to bring us home so we could mind our mother. We didn't want to upset her by being away for too long. One of my uncles was like a father to me. His oldest daughter and I look like brother and sister. We are just as close too. They tried to help me and give me a better life but they couldn't.
My mom had a lot of 'boyfriends'. They never really stayed too long. A small few used to beat me. These men were constantly in our house so we never really questioned a strange man in our house. It was normal for us.
At 15 years old I would come home from school and meet up with my mother and grandmother in the pub. My mother would buy me beer and I would sit in the pub with my drunken mother and help her get home. My home was filthy. There used to be dogs running through the house constantly and the house was never cleaned. We had food but it wasn't for us. The food was perfect but we were not allowed eat it as it was only for when the social workers called so it would look like she was feeding us. In reality we were starving.
I started hanging out with a very rough group where I lived. They were drinking constantly and doing drugs. Eventually, I got away from them and my mother. I ran away from home at 16 to the States to my father. My sister was so upset with me for leaving her with my mother.
Now I'm living in America with a beautiful wife and three amazing children. Sometimes what happened still affects me but I try to block it out and ignore it and carry on. I'm honestly not recommending running away. I am planning on coming back home soon to sort out a few things with my mother.
3.
My childhood revolved around my dads sobriety. Has he been drinking.. yep, let's hide upstairs before the violence comes or change a friend coming over to me going there, can I pretend to be asleep. Is his drunk friends going to kick our door again. Is my mum going to be safe because I have to go to school. Or do I need to take a week off to hide my black eye. When he was sober and had months on the wagon. We had fun but you were always on eggshells waiting for him to fall off which he always did. In the end my mum left him which was so incredibly brave as he was a violent man in drink and by the end a violent man out of drink and it took a lot of guts for her to say no more! For me, it affected my trust in people. I don't particularly like being around drunk people. I'm better now than what I was but I always equated drunk = violent and I know that's not the case. I've also found I have a low tolerance for addicts in general. I find it hard to muster sympathy especially when they have children as I have been that child and it's no life to give to the people you should love most in the world and want to make their life as safe and protected as possible. My children have a childhood that is light years away from what mine was like and will never have to experience what I did.
4.
My mom and step-dad were together from the time I was 5 until I was 13. He was an alcoholic. At first things were fine. He'd drink a couple of beers every night, then go to bed. As time went on, he'd start drinking more and more. Within 2 years he was up to a 12 pack a night. That's when things started getting bad.
When he got drunk he became one of 3 people. If we were "lucky" he became the fun loving drunk. He'd tell stories, play games, watch cartoons with us kids, etc. But he'd always take it to extremes. Plenty of school nights went by where I didn't get in bed until 1 or 2 in the morning because he'd keep us up doing fun stuff. If we didn't do like he wanted, he'd become angry, but I'll cover more of that in a moment.
The next type of drunk would be the weepy drunk. He'd start talking about his past, or our current life, and it was always sad stuff, which would set him off crying. He'd want to hug and hold everyone and cry on your shoulder. He'd make all kinds of promises to you in this state, but he'd never hold to them when he was sober. I do believe this state is what makes it so hard for me to show emotion as an adult now. It always annoyed the hell out of me as a kid when he did it, as he was always over the top with it, and I didn't want to be that way. Thankfully my fiancee is helping work through that particular issue.
Finally, we come to the angry drunk. The scariest drunk. At first it wasn't so bad. Little things would set him off, and he would get into arguments with my mom, usually over stupid shit. At that point it was fine, though a bit exasperating for her.
This changed as the years went on. It eventually evolved where he'd start shouting at her, and she'd wind up shouting back. These matches would go on until she gathered us children into the car and left, or he passed out.
Then things started turning violent. He'd start throwing things. Smashing stuff. Punching walls, tables, and appliances. Finally he started hitting my mom. The first time it happened we called the cops. They came out, told him to go to bed or he'd be arrested, and left. The second time it happened it took them 45 minutes to come out. They put him in the back of the car for about 15 minutes, then let him loose. The third time it happened he hit her hard enough to bust her lip and bloody her nose. The cops never did come out on that one.
From that time on if he ever showed signs of being the angry drunk, we'd leave home until we knew he was passed out. Sometimes that meant driving around town until 2 or 3 in the morning.
If we were lucky he'd come home from work already drunk, and pass out on the couch or his bed. A lot of times if he did this he'd end up pissing himself. My mom would then pick his pocket so we'd have grocery/bill money. Eventually I learned how to do it and took over that particular chore. We never had savings. What money didn't go on food and bills went on booze. He made sure of that.