Homosexuality
Real Stories
1:
Growing up, as a small boy I was overwhelmed with fear by a number of bullies in my life. Some of them lived in my neighborhood and attended my school. But the biggest one lived in my house: my father. Many boys at a young age learn to step into their fear and prove that they have what it takes to make it in this life. But there are others like myself, who are sensitive and who became paralyzed by fear. We didn't believe we had what it took and believed the intimidating words of our bullies. I absolutely cringed when I heard, "Prosen, I'm gonna kick your a-after school." It was difficult to concentrate on classes while worrying about this and even if I made it home okay, I still didn't know if my father was going to be drunk and beat me.
My best friend in 6th grade (whom I'll call Tommy), spent the night for a sleep over and initiated some non-sexual exploration of our bodies. It wasn't appropriate, but was before we even knew about sexual feelings. Shortly after, school ended for the summer. When we returned the following fall, Tommy gave me the silent treatment and avoided me while his friends treated me the same way.
Just prior to entering into puberty, I was being called, "queer," and "fag" by many peers. I was attracted to the same gender long before I knew what sexuality was. At first, the attraction wasn't sexual and it couldn't be since at that age I had no understanding of what sexuality was. For me, the attraction was an admiration to be like those I looked up to. But those I looked up to, made it clear that I wasn't ever going to be like them. The shame inside me quickly turned this admiration into more like a deep "longing" to be like that male I idealized. I used to think: "if only I looked like him or was strong like him and could play ball like him then maybe I would fit in and not be so alone." During puberty my attractions to the same sex became eroticized and my shame immensely increased. It was about this time when the rumors that Tommy had started finally reached me. Tommy (who had initiated the experimentation that night of the sleep over), had told everyone that I was acting "faggy" that night. I felt humiliated and betrayed.
2:
As I grew I was like every other kid. I had my interests and things I liked doing. At some point in the single digits, I began to desire to be more with my father. That's a natural thing. So I turned from my Mom toward him. I looked for his guidance and his "OK" to come close. But he did not give it to me. This hurt and I felt betrayed. I began to lose my love and respect for him.
Like many of us, my dad had his problems. He struggled with work-aholism. He worked too much. And alcoholism. He drank too much. To the outside world, he was a happy hardworking person. At home he was frequently harsh, intimidating and arrogant. I knew somehow that this was making his despair and loneliness and at times I felt bad for him.
Never the less he wasn't there emotionally for me and the rest of the family. At some point early on I began to be the emotional support for the family and especially my mother. This put me in an awkward place. At this very important time, my childhood, I felt forced to do a very adult thing. I had to support my mother in place of him.
So, I needed my dad's love, but it was kept distant from me as I took on some untimely responsibilities. This hurt. This hurt a lot. I felt engulfed by the pain of it all. And, I became sad and angry about it as there seemed no way out. These strong feelings of mine didn't seem to help though. I just felt more and more bad about it all.
Eventually, to protect or defend myself, I began to put up walls and detach from this real and painful place in my life. I began watching a lot of TV. I stayed away from my dad. I didn't want to be like him. I didn't want to know him. I also felt a growing distance from the boys in my neighborhood and school. I just couldn't seem to identify with them. Although I wanted to be friends with them, I was afraid of them and what they 'might' do to me. Frequently, I felt like I was fumbling around them and so to be safe, I kept them at a distance.
I began to distance myself from my feelings too. They were just too much for me to bear. Anger and fear were quickly denied and drowned out by the distractions of television and other imaginative pursuits.
Television was the perfect escape for me. It blurred out the noise and disappointments. It made me feel safe and "happy". It gave me something to laugh at. It made a great wall.
TV became a substitute for my dad. A good one too. It never yelled at me, never put me down and it would present nicer adults for me to be with in my imagination. My growing channel surfing habit became a kind of daily quest for the good dad and even friend experience. The characters weren't real but I didn't seem to pay much attention to that fact.
Now up to this point I didn't really experience sexual feelings, but more of a desire to be in the loving and accepting presence of other men and boys. I watched them all from a distance and never got close enough to make any real contact with them.
Approaching junior high, when puberty arrived, the search took on a new character. Sexual feelings flooded in and began to attach themselves to the images I was focusing in on. I didn't know what was going on and I was scared but also amazed.